Kal-El's Journal

[clairecheaux]

A NOTE TO NEW READERS:


This Journ-El started out as more of a game than a fic, wherein everyone was invited to submit a random journal entry that had nothing to do with any sort of narrative. Hence, its location here in the off-topic forum. Though a few people submitted entries, most people just wanted to read, so I kept writing.

Since then, the JEL, as we call it, has evolved into an ongoing story that I liken, more or less, to a soap opera in terms of format. In other words, the thing just never ends.

Before diving in, keep the following in mind:

-It vaguely stems from the Singer storyline

-I do not hold to established character standards, especially with Kal-El. In this story, he is cynical, judgmental, sarcastic, neurotic, and doubtful. And that's just in the funny parts. In the dark parts (and they do get unbelievably dark) he's an absolute mess. Those coming into this looking for an affirmation of his moral fortitude are going to be sorely disappointed.

-There's foul language everywhere.

-There's sex everywhere: sometimes funny and absurd, and sometimes unpleasant and graphic enough that I've taken measures to help more sensitive readers avoid it. To that end, being sequestered down here in the off-topic forum has been an advantage, as it's not really general audience material.

-There's violence and various other cringe-worthy situations that purists would argue do not belong in a Superman story. I don't claim to be a purist. I don't claim to be an authority on the character in any way, shape, or form. I'm not arguing that cannon should turn in this direction. I like cannon just the way it is. But this isn't it. Here, I'm just exploring what it must be like to have every power imaginable and, really, have nothing at all; what it must be like to be alone even though everybody loves you. That sort of thing.

-Again, keep in mind how it started out. The quality of the story and the writing tend to improve as the chapters stack up.

Take of it what you will.

Regards,

~claire



Table of Contents



September 27, 2006:

Dear Journal:

Today was my first day back at work and it was a total bust. I was hoping for an uneventful day, you know? A chance to sort of ease back into my old life, maybe a little quiet time with Lois to talk about old times. No such luck. First of all, Jimmy was all over me like white on rice since the moment I stepped off the elevator. Not that I don't appreciate his somewhat creepifying welcome-back cake, but that kid seriously needs to look up the definition of personal space. And what's with offering me a beer first thing in the morning
Mental Note: Keep your guard up. Jimmy = possible sociopath.

Anyway, it didn't matter because Lois wasn't even there when I arrived. She was out on assignment covering a NASA project - which I'll get to later. But you know what was there? A copy of the DP with that hatchet job she wrote prominently displayed above the fold. A Pulitzer for "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman"?! Are these people serious? Don't they remember Zod? Lex's nukes? The San Andreas fault? The Hoover Dam? WTF?!

It only got worse. So I'm reeling in utter astonishment from this sick, sick editorial of hers when I notice this photo of her with some guy and a little kid. A knot began to form in my stomach. She couldn't have. She just couldn't have. I'm gazing upon it in bewildered horror when Jimmy appears out of nowhere (big surprise) and verifies the awful truth. The guy is her fiancee and the kid is their son! Unbe-freaking-lieveable

Next thing I know I'm at a bar enabling Jimmy's dependency on alcohol, when he lets it drop that he thinks she's still in love with me. So now what am I to think? Does she really love the guy? Or is she living a lie to spare the kid? What a mess. I was seriously thinking of packing up and heading back to the farm when Lois's NASA assignment went haywire. Before I could even finish my beer I had to suit up and save her ungrateful butt yet again.

Which brings me back to that whole We Don't Need Superman mentality. How can any society launch a Space Shuttle from a 777 and think they aren't going to need me at some point in the process? It's misplaced arrogance, I'll tell you right now. I mean, they think they're all hot stuff because they've invented this spacecraft with over a million moving parts. Color me impressed, but none of that matters if they forget to spray a little WD-40 on the vehicle couplings!

So there I was slicing them apart with my laser vision, heaving the shuttle safely into space, wrangling the 777 safely to the ground (Busted a wing off in the process...oops. Then the other one sheared off on its own and I had to blow through it without disturbing the spitcurl. So glad I don't have wings. They just get in the way.) In other words, I was generally getting back into the swing of saving the day. I eased the plane into a well-placed baseball field, where I was warmly greeted, mind you (take that, Lois!), and stepped inside to check on the passengers. There she was, speechless for once in her opinionated life. I have to admit, I was working that suit with everything I had...just to remind her. Hope it worked.

Back at the DP, she ignored me as usual, except to say hello and swipe my stapler. As an aside, I think she has property issues. I mean, I've been gone for five years and the day I get back she needs to borrow my stapler? Go figure. Oh, the kid came to the office and I chatted with him for a while. Jason's his name. Sweet little guy, has some health issues that he'll hopefully grow out of.

Then, as if my day couldn't get any worse, I met the guy. Richard. He works in the same office, for crying out loud! The "Managing Editor" who "Saved our international section." Big deal! International Section?! I just saved three dozen lives! Oh, and he "loves horror movies." Whatever. Thank God I'm back. Give him enough time and he'll bore her to death.

Back to Lois. I tried to get her attention in the elevator but she was too busy ignoring me. I did notice however, that I was the headline in the afternoon edition of the paper, and that they caught my good side in the photo. Anyway, I'm trying to invite her to dinner when she goes off on this whole "He didn't say goodbye" tangent, and I know she's not talking about Bob Hope. Finally it all makes sense. She wrote that malicious article not because she thinks I'm not needed, but because she's pissed at me. There's hope for us, after all.

I think I'll go check out her domestic situation, just to get a good idea of what I'm up against, here. It can't be as bad as it seems.

[Eowyn]

This had me laughing out loud! Funny stuff!

[Saavikam]

I'm lovin' it!!!

[Lady Gwenevere Smith]

Let me try! *jumps up and down excitedly*

Kal-El's journal entry #2

Somebody shoot me now. (Actually this idiot tried that...didn't turn out so well for him. I'll get to that later.)

So, Lois is with what's-his-face horror movie boy, right? He freaking copied me! He's a 'pilot' which means he flies a plane. Oooh. Color me bored. I mean, I can fly at the speed of freaking light and turn back time for crying out loud and she goes with HIM?! That's like going from a Astin Martin to a bicycle with training wheels and a basket! And then the heffer has the NERVE to say she never loved me! LIAR!

I couldn't take any more crap, so I went for a high altitude (Richard just wishes he could float above earth and not move a perfectly coifed hair!) brooding session (Batman just THINKS he has that market cornered) when all the ingrates started to yap and gripe in my ear. Hello, having issues here?! So, being the good person that I am, I flew back down (causing a pretty nifty sonic boom if I do say so myself. Eat your puny human heart out Richy Ritch!)

I saved these two cops from becoming ground beef. This idiot robber kept shooting this gatlin-gun thing at me (really, weren't those out of style years ago?) and of course it didn't do squat. You'd think he'd get the hint after the first 50 rounds. Apparently not, becuase he then hauls out this dinky little hand gun and shoots me in the eye. The bullet just bounced off. He looks at me like Scooby Doo (bwahh?) I just smiled, and thought about saying "Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for kids!" but that wouldn't have made any sense....I don't even like cereal.

Oh, crap, gotta go save someone else. I swear, maybe I should have just stayed away. I come back and everyone's falling out of windows and stuff. Really people, learn to gain some balance. It ain't that hard.

[Kal_El]

HEY! How did you guys get my journal?!?

[Steelsheen]

this feels like one of those LOTR diaries....

[Kuroitennyo]

This is hilarious!

[BitterSweetOrchid]

post it on fanfiction.net!!!

i'd love to read it there!! hilarious!!

[Lauraleye]

Bwahahahaha fun FUN

[janerationx]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kal-El's journal entry #3

Ok, so where was I? Oh yes, before the bank robber thing, I have to admit that I went over to Lois and what's his name place. It was probably best that I never went. So okay, she doesn't love me? I'll be honest that it did hurt a little bit when she answered, "no" that she was never in love with me. Was it just because Richard was there and he's the one who asked or maybe it's just because she's still really upset with me? I don't know and I will never understand women. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do men even write out their feelings like we do?

[Saavikam]

Originally Posted by superduper

Do men even write out their feelings like we do?

Somehow I doubt it....

[hobbit]

Hahaha

[clairecheaux]

Originally Posted by Lady Gwenevere Smith

...thought about saying "Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for kids!" but that wouldn't have made any sense....I don't even like cereal.

LOL, but his picture is on all kinds of cereal boxes!

[clairecheaux]

September 28, 2006: Journal Entry #4



I can’t hold it in anymore. I tried to forget about last night by preoccupying myself with the old save-the-day routine, but there just aren’t enough convenience store robberies in Metropolis to distract me from the unbelievable crap going down on the social front!

What on earth happened to my Lois? First of all, she’s playing house with this Richard guy like they’re some sort of postmodern, cosmopolitan interpretation of Ward and June Cleaver, complete with an unfortunate affinity for neoeclectic interior design and what appears to be an expensive taste in Cabernet Sauvignon. (It’s a sad commentary on their relationship, by the way, that they hit the hooch as soon as they get home from work.) And don’t get me started on that ridiculous sea plane. Not since Cheryl Ladd replaced Farrah Fawcett on Charlie’s Angels have I seen such a sad and desperate attempt to fill a gaping void. The idea that she subconsciously thinks of me every time she buckles into that death trap is downright mortifying.

And Richard. What an unapologetic tool he’s turning out to be. First of all, he swishes his wine like a girl, which is, sadly, the least annoying of his offenses. What’s worse is that he’s insecure to the max and is already giving Lois the third degree about our relationship. For the love of El, I’ve been in town for one day and he’s already whipping out the chastity belt! What hurts is that she’s accommodating his overblown pride by denying there was ever anything between us. He was Superman; everybody was in love with him, she says. WTF?! Funny, that sure as hell isn’t what she said after I gave her the most cosmically mind-blowing, earth-shattering bedtime shakedown in the history of mankind. In fact, if memory serves, it was more like do it again and I’ll love you forever. Forever, indeed. I feel so used.

I think the saddest part of this situation is that poor kid, Jason. I’m really starting to feel for the little guy – almost protective. They’ve got him so jacked up on asthma inhalants and allergy control products that he could start his own pharmacy. Plus, he seems to spend an inordinate amount of time indoors. I’m sure a little fresh air and sunshine would do him wonders – or at least de-pastify his complexion a little bit. And who in their right mind feeds a growing boy snow peas for dinner? Newsflash: one does not grow up to be big and strong on a diet of Albuterol and field greens. I ought to know. God forbid they swing past Mickey D’s on the way home and get the little scamp a happy meal. All I can say is thank God Ma wasn’t around to witness this. She’d have called child protective services faster than you can say criminal neglect.

Needless to say, I’ve never felt so rejected in my life. All I could do was try to lose myself in my alter ego, but knowing I’d been dumped like yesterday’s garbage kind of took the fun out of deflecting bullets and blowing out fires. The good news is that at least the general public has embraced me again, and some are downright wrapped around my little finger, which I admit goes a long way toward bolstering my self esteem.

For instance, I had to save this chick, Catherine, whose ‘68 Mustang was plowing through downtown Metropolis like a rodeo bull tweaked out on homemade Krank. She was a little shaken up after the fact and jumped into my arms, begging me to take her to the hospital. It was then that I realized that the entire crowd was checking me out. Let me say, it’s moments like that which make my $37.50 investment in that “Fitness Made Simple with John Basedow” workout series worth every penny. Let’s just say my tights were tight, if you know what I mean. Anyway, sensing that the ladies—and some of the men—in the crowd were doing me with their eyes, I told Catherine to hold tight and got the hell out of there. But then when I dropped her off she wouldn’t let me go! She gave me her name, she invited me for coffee, she did everything but propose to me for crying out loud. I mean, if I hadn’t just cut her off and flown away like I did I’d still be down there dodging her panties.

Then, when I came into work this morning I saw that I was all over the news, and I mean wall-to-wall coverage. Holy crap! But honestly, as much as I’d like to think its all about me, I think what’s really driving this media circus is the fact that they finally have something new—and more attractive—to cover besides Paris Hilton.

Anyway, just when I was starting to feel better about my life, I’m called into a meeting wherein 1.) Jimmy tells me that Lex Luthor got out on a technicality, and 2.) Lois gets all pissed off at me because Perry gave me the EMP story. I honestly don’t know which is worse – knowing that that bald lunatic is running about planning lord-knows what kind of mayhem, or knowing that my other alter, Clark, has less of a chance with Lois than I do! And if that second one isn’t a head*beep* then I don’t know what is!

To top the sundae of my morning off with yet another cherry bomb, I just had another run-in with Richard. I swear, I can’t get him out of my face whenever Lois is around. It’s like he has some kind of radar that goes off whenever the competition arrives. And the poor kid is back for another action-packed day of wandering around the office looking for something to keep him entertained. Somehow, he always winds up at my desk. Mental Note: Keep your guard up. The kid is onto you.

Now I’m just sitting around trying to look like I’m working on this EMP story, though all I can think about is what I’m going to say to Lois if Richard would just get up and leave. Fat chance. They’re over in his office right now working on my profile. Oh, how clever. Richard just dropped a lame joke about how I resemble myself. Tool.

[bjrouthx3]

hahaha these posts are hilarious.